Saturday, February 02, 2013

Five Sentence Fiction: Delicate

This is another character study, based on Lillie McFerrin's Five Sentence Fiction prompt "delicate":

Someone like him probably had a girlfriend, Elisabeth thought; he was so handsome, how could he not? 

She frowned at the dress she was holding; soft and flowing, almost delicate with the thin shoulder straps, and definitely meant for warmer days than today. 

If she wore it, maybe he would notice her on the train; she saw him every day after all, and maybe today he would smile at her - even though he probably wouldn't mean anything by it. 

She put on the dress and frowned at the unfamiliar sight of herself in the mirror, hoping that this was what it took to get his attention. 

She had never really stopped to consider why he mattered so much - but he did, this stranger on the train. 

---

I rewrote it twice but I'm still not happy with it. In fact, I considered not even submitting anything, and instead just post this:

Interesting prompt this week.
Brain isn't working.
I wrote a haiku instead.

But I thought I might get some interesting feedback on the writing, regardless of what I think of it, so here it is :)

7 comments:

Jayne Martin said...

I'm glad you posted this. We all can relate to unrequited love and you expressed it quite beautifully.

McGuffy Ann said...

Beautifully written, and yes poetic too.
McGuffy's Reader
http://www.mcguffysreader.blogspot.com

Robin Leigh Morgan said...

Loved what you wrote concerning Elisabeth, and her wanting to start a relationship with this unknown handsome stranger. However, as I read your post for a second time I got a sense something more fundamental is missing; which is why I decided to write the following to show what I feel is going on in Elisabeth's life. [I managed to do this in 5 sentences]

I get a sense your Elisabeth is a plain Jane who’d just love to get a man, any man into her life, if he would be handsome so much the better.

The delicate strapped dress she held in her hands is probably one given to her by an older sister as a birthday, since she’d never buy anything as possibly alluring.

Naturally she frowned looking at herself in the mirror, as the image she saw there wasn’t really who she is, and therefore she felt uncomfortable.

She truly hoped, as she wore the dress, that now, the stranger who for some unexplained reason has matter so much to her for so far would stop and finally notice her.

However, I feel, instead of wearing something to get his attention, perhaps all she actually needs to do would merely be to merely say hello to him; something her shyness has prevented her from doing all this time.

Would love to hear your feedback on my response, as well as my own 5 sentence endeavor on my blog.

K R Smith said...

I think this is done quite nicely, and as Jayne mentioned, many people can relate to this.

I can't say I agree with Robin's statement about trying to get any man into her life - she seems rather taken with this particular fellow.

lizzie loodles said...

I think you should be extremely happy with your 5 sentences and I'm pleased you posted as it is so familiar to me and probably others. There's nothing worse than falling head over heels with someone who doesn't even notice you. You've captured her effort to do so very well in a beautifully written piece. xx

PS I spell my Elisabeth with an S too. ;-) x

Lisa Shambrook said...

Really enjoyed that, like the others said, most of us have been there so easy to relate to.
I think she's fallen for him and him only, and can we ever explain why 'that' person hits home when no one else did? Lovely!

Camilla Kyndesen said...

Thank you everyone for your feedback! I'm glad I decided to post the piece after all :-)

@Robin: It was a lot of fun to read your thoughts :-) I can't say that I thought of exactly those things you mentioned; the shyness, yes - but the "any man" idea, not so much. But it's great to read different interpretations of the piece because that is so fundamental to what writers strive to do: push the reader's understanding of our story and our characters in a specific direction :-)

Thanks again!